From the Ashes Rises the Cannon Fodder
by Bonus Material
Summary: The unsent soul becomes a fiend, but what about the countless unsent fiends? An unlucky soul provides an answer. Oneshot.


This is my first piece in quite a long time. This all started because of a plothole that sillygoose2006 and I caught while on the way to the zoo. A question should not go unanswered, so I'm answering it. I hope this answer makes you chuckle a little. Enjoy yourselves.

**From the Ashes Rises the Cannon Fodder**

_Where has this bully of a creator forced me to awaken this time? That sound… ah, I get it now. That is the sound of thunder. There is splashing too, I can hear it. This must be rain. Another flash of lightning punishes the ground for merely existing. This must be what the humans call the "Thunder Plains". Of course, the place does not matter. The place has never mattered. I awaken only to be slaughtered, beaten, broken, and thoroughly trashed…… _

_Wait a minute, how did you get in my head, and why are you listening to my thoughts? _

_Whatever, how you have penetrated my mind is not important. In a way, it is a relief. Thanks, mysterious brain intruder. Oh, you want to know why I am whining like this, correct? It is because this life cannot truly end. I live only to die,revive, and die again. At one time, I sailed through the sky as a Condor. In the life after that, a Ragura. One time, I even got really lucky and was resurrected as a Garuda. But no matter how strong I was or what shape I was molded into, it ended the same way. The end of life looks like a blitzball…….._

_Hey! Don't laugh at me, I'm serious. Do you know what it's like to turn around and get decimated by a ball? Do you have even an inkling of how many times I've had to hear that music before I die?! Nananana, naaaa naaaa, na na-dead! Every freaking time! I was once the coach of the Zanarkand Abes, and now my former star is laying the smackdown on me out of boredom….. aww, damn it, you made me lose my cool with your laughing. I was trying to be sophisticated. You done mocking me yet?_

_Oh, another question. How is it possible to have multiple lives without the ability to use the save spheres? I have no idea what a save sphere is, but whatever. It is because I was not sent. As you may have heard while you were teasing me for getting owned so much, I was once a blitzball coach. After a game, I was mugged by kids that didn't like Tidus very much. They threatened to kill me if I didn't "kick his girly lookin' ass" off of the team. I didn't, so they tenderized my head with pipes. Since there was no one around that knew about it, I couldn't be sent to the Farplane and ended up as a fiend._

_But it didn't end there. When I awoke, I was a Condor. It was quite the surprise, but I managed. Until the spikey one with the islander accent came. Just to prove he could help my former star blitzer, he launched a ball at me. No time to assess the situation, no chance to run. Just a ball to the face. When I awoke again, I was in a forest with giant venomous plants marching through. It used to protect me from the massive bees. Hm? Rewind, you say?_

_If I died as a condor, how did I become a Ragura? Well, it's pretty simple. No one is going to send a fiend. Even if I'm significantly uglier, I still have the same soul . If I die again, I will just come back as _

_something else. This cycle continues until I am sent to the Farplane at last. This parodied cycle of the phoenix has been going on for about a month….. no…. that voice! It can't be!_

"Hey, brudda, you're looking a little rusty. You could use some training" said a tall-haired young man that was tossing around a rather vicious-looking ball outfitted with spikes. He looked over his shoulder at a very large, blue, fuzzy man with tribal beads and a halberd. The blue man responded with a simple grunt, pointing at a Kusariqqu.

"_Why must this happen again? How do I keep appearing ahead of these people?!"_ The running started. Coach cursed his new body's bulk, knowing he could not get away. It was time to make a stand. He skidded to a halt and turned to face his pursuers. Once again, he was face to face with his star and that hooked blade. The Thunder Plains bore witness to a fierce duel….. well, it wasn't really a duel. It was more like watching the nerd grope for his glasses while the big bullies pointed and laughed. The final blow, the strike that delivered the unlucky coach to his next life, was the ever-present blitzball.

_Fallen again… damn. Maybe my courage will be rewarded. They have grown strong enough to never hunt monsters in Besaid again. Ah, wouldn't it be nice to enjoy life again as something small, something that only needed to pick the fruit from a tree to survive? Yes, I bet that's where I will be resurrected. If I cannot be sent, at least I can enjoy this cycle……. My floating through nothingness has ended. I feel a gargantuan sword in my hand. What is that noise? Thunder…. No way, this is the same place!! Who is doing this to me?!_

"Yo, Kimahri, Lulu! Stay sharp or I'll take this one!"

_I actually received a little mercy this time. At least one of them is kind of cute…_


End file.
